Day 49 – Thank you for the feeling of being alone

I thank God for my feeling of being alone.

As our most awaited event comes to pass, I don’t know why I felt so alone. I already accept the fact that my household nanay and sisters were not there to support me though I am glad that one of my ate shows up on the second event. I already accept also that maybe, I can be part of my other group mates circle of family because like me, their nanay was not there but at least they have each other. I already accept also that I need to do what was expected of me to do on this event and then I can move on. But what really hurts me, I still come home alone after this event and I don’t know who I can say goodbye to. All of them come home together but me, I just walk alone and I really felt pity to myself. I know I shouldn’t feel like that after the event but it really hurts that I was almost crying while walking and convincing myself that it was all okay, that I know, somehow, I gained friends doing this service. I just say to myself that I do this service for God and not for other people, which I don’t need to expect any appreciation from others because God’s appreciation for me is enough. But it really hurts… I have my cousin who attends the event but she also goes home with one of her sister in the community. I don’t hold it to her because I know she do that because she doesn’t have a choice because I want to stay late to see that everything’s okay. But what really hurts was even my teammates were not there and I can’t even say goodbye to them, that I was just looking to them, gathering my courage to say goodbye but they never noticed me at all so I just walk away and move on. I don’t need any appreciation but a simple goodbye for me would be sufficed enough because I thought that we were friends but maybe I expect too much. And this feeling of being alone makes me evaluate myself and think what’s wrong with me. Why doesn’t anyone like me besides my household? Maybe I’m just expecting too much recognition and God teaches me to be humble. And I thank God for that feeling. I thank God for all the lessons He teaches me when he called me to serve.

Really, God has wonderful plans for me and He will use anything to mold me to be a better person. Thank You Lord!